Bottoms Up!

I have recently read one of the funniest pieces of humor I have seen in a long time. The author goes only by the name Sissy and has posted this on fanstory.com. With her generous permission, I repost it here for your enjoyment and study. I feel it is a very well written piece that goes to the heart of the “war between the sexes”, if there is such a thing. If nothing else, it allows a glimpse into the advantage of being able to laugh at ourselves now and then.

I hope no one will take offense at the subject matter. It was not meant to poke fun at anyone, but was posted here 1). Because it is funny and 2). It addresses some universal and age-old differences of men and women in communication and understanding. It appeals to the human condition on a basic level and we can all identify with it in one way or another. Enjoy the read—and thank you again, Sissy!

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Women Unite!

In 2006, let us all join forces and take up arms against our male counterparts. No, this is not a case for the Honorable Judge Moody. This is personal!

Let me explain.

Sissy Lancombed is going to have a very bad afternoon. After showing her faux Brad Pitt the door, she needs to take a potty break. Too much wine, and she's pretty certain that the venti-three shot-expresso-non-fat-mocha-vanilla-latte from the local coffeehouse chain hasn't helped.


Sashaying into the bathroom, she undoes the hundred-dollar butt-lifter jeans and the Vicky's panties (super-low rise bikini cut, striped) and goes into the age old position—

And the bad afternoon begins.

"OOPH!"

Splash!

I cannot repeat what words are coming out of Miss Lancombed's mouth because, well...it wouldn't be ladylike.

Grabbing hold of the countertop and the towel rack, she struggles mightily for a few minutes, then pulls herself out of the porcelain god. She takes stock of herself, then shrieks in horror. Her posterior, once a subtle shade of khaki from the local tanning salon, is now a horrendous Tid-y-Bowl blue.

See, Sissy Lancombed knows one thing. Her currently blue rear is going to clash terribly with her pale orange striped undies. She undresses with haste and leaps into the shower. She grabs her thirty dollar bottle of moisturizing wash and the loofa, and goes to work.

Still Tid-y-Bowl blue.

Half in a panic, she moves on to the sea salt scrub. Yes, that pricey one from Crabtree and Evelyn. She's sure the company did not envision their product being used as a fragrant form of Comet or Ajax...but these are desperate times.

The Tid-y-Bowl color holds fast.

Why is it so hard for men to put the toilet seat back down? I don't get it. If you can remember to put it up, why not back down again? I mean, seriously, it's along the same lines as say, zipping one's pants. I mean, occasionally one might forget, but not always!

Now, I know you men out there are reading this and thinking, 'Why can't you ladies just put the toilet seat UP after you use it?'

The answer is very simple. Women always need the toilet seat down. Men need it both down AND up. I don't know any man who does 'Number Two' with the toilet seat up. Do you? Otherwise, they'd find themselves in the same predicament as our heroine, Miss Lancombed--who is currently dissolving into tears because her butt is STILL blue. Resourceful as ever, she is contemplating the use of Crest White Strips on her nether region to restore it to its former glory.

Is it so difficult? The toilet seat, I mean. They aren't there for aesthetic purposes--even the pretty, soft, flowery ones like those in Sissy Lancombed's place. Aren't toilet seats meant to be SAT on?
I believe I learned about some law of physics or gravity or nature in my high school science class that went something like, 'What goes up, must come down.' Surely men can see the wisdom in that?

Maybe not, thinks Miss Lancombed, as she pulls on a pair of blue and white striped undies and a matching bra. Then the jeans and a light blue cashmere sweater. Now, at least her clothes match her behind, which makes her situation more bearable. She dries her hair into a perfectly coiffed helmet and heads for the door. Maybe the tanning salon can help.

Toilet seats need a timer. Better yet, how about one of those red dot laser sensors that are so common in rest stops, movie theater and Wal-Mart rest rooms? You know, the little dot that beams into your bare back as you use the facilities and causes the toilet to flush, generally with great force, as you rise to a standing position and release the used tissue.

Hey! Every toilet seat should come with these! The Man could lift the seat, do his thing and then as the targeted form steps away, the sensor on the underside of the seat would signal for its descent. Come on, it could work! That way, we wouldn't have to hear excuse like, "I forgot" or "I heard the game come back on" or "I thought I DID put it back down!"

It might save a lot of relationships AND prevent the spread of some pretty gross germs.

After all, it's one thing to land tush-first in our OWN toilets--quite another to splash down into an unfamiliar toilet at a party or in a unisex bathroom...

EUUWWWWW.

Or maybe our men should just try harder. After all, it really is just a silly little thing, isn't it?

Rules of punctuation (or rules of engagement?)

I have recently been writing reviews for fanstory.com and have read some wonderful poetry, short stories and novel chapters. These have been a joy to read and review. I have also read some of the most horrendous work that ever graced a page. I never knew until recently that it could truly be painful to review and edit someone else’s work.

Below is my answer to one writer's reply for my review of his work. I have chosen only the most important of his claims to respond to. I thought that this could be educational, as I was stunned by his attitude and beliefs regarding rules of punctuation. I was amazed that the mis-use of commas was so rampant on the site. I suspect that it is not only fanstory.com that suffers from this disease, however. I often was forced to take a break to calm down. I was truly disgusted with the lack of familiarity with their supposed native language, although I always did my best to be generous in my praise and in encouraging them. I know that this does not come easily to everyone. We each have our own talents and aptitudes. Unfortunately, when I read the work of others, the errors seem to stand out like a neon light. (If only this were so in my own writing…. Hence the need for an unbiased and capable proofreader/editor.) Enjoy and learn.



Web,
I feel I may have inadvertently touched a nerve--something I never meant to do. Unfortunately, I must do so again. I must still adhere to the fact that good English is good English. This is not a theory. These rules have been accepted for a minimum of decades and are still considered to be correct. I again suggest you read up on rules of punctuation. A publisher will never (Editor's note: perhaps I should have said 'seldom') agree to this "loose-ness based solely on situation", as you do. He/she will think you are accustomed to internet chat lines and are out of your league. I do not wish to insult you. I only wish to help you. I hope you are open to that and this is the last time I will bother you, unless you should specifically ask.

You claim:

"...a point of whether the author wants it to be read slowly, or quickly. I want it read at a slower pace to help the reader become "attached" to Megan, so I add commas."  

So, in theory, you assume that a comma is a sign to "slow down" and all you need do is sprinkle more of them in wherever you wish? What if your reader is too well educated to be aware of this new rule you have devised? And why not add more question marks or periods? The fact is that each has its place and that place is strictly defined, with few exceptions. These are called 'exceptions' specifically because they ARE few and not in SPITE of being few. Becoming 'attached' to Megan is not done with generous punctuation, but with wit, wisdom and talented writing. You cannot bludgeon your way into the realm of eloquence and finesse. Punctuation is not a 'magic fairy dust' you sprinkle on your tale to make it become suddenly wonderful. You must 'draw' the reader in with skill, as you would lure a fish. I have personally written many articles on this subject and seen them published on sites frequented by professional authors who are published many times over.

"For those people who need to have a higher meaning in what they read, that scene allows them to have it. It doesn't do anything for those who don't need it."

On the contrary, I found it to be unnecessary and distracting, as I have said before. As an author of three novels and several other works, I also find it to be unprofessional and insulting to my intelligence as a reader. What 'higher meaning' is there in base desire and lust that is covered in a single, unneeded 'filler' sentence? You must be teachable, first and foremost. Many edits and revisions may be required of you by a good editor of any reputable publishing company. If your writing is so sacred to you that you cannot revise it even for the sake of improvement, you will never be a success as an author. If you want your work to be carved in stone for future generations, you chisel away at it until the finished work appears and is liberated from the surrounding mass. This is not done by pronouncing the raw stone to BE the finished product.

"...used to be preferred. They are no longer preferred, but they are stilled perfectly acceptable." Ignoring your mis-spelling, can you mention any sources that support this theory?

"...starting a sentence with a conjuction is acceptable”…

(As a Hebrew idiom, perhaps, but usually not in modern English. Old English used it more often, it is true, but any modern manual of style (most of these have been in use for ages) will usually warn you away from such a practice. I personally allow for it infrequently, however, and have found it to be an exception that is occasionally necessary to the flow of the text.)

"This is not a formal writing, so I can get away with more. If I was writing a research paper, the rules would be different"  

Again, I ask what source of scholarship and expertise you are quoting? Certainly not the Chicago Manual of Style or Strunk and White's Elements of Style (Editor's note: Being teachable and of sufficient humility to admit guilt, I add that this volume allows for such in some cases). If you are writing for IM chats, you are at the top of your class. If not, you cannot simply make up your own rules to go by--not if you wish to claim any degree of familiarity with your native language and its proper use as a communication tool.

Again, I mean absolutely no offense, but the attitude you show will never allow you to get past the wastebasket in an editor's office, let alone his desk. I sincerely hope you agree.

[It is at times necessary to eat one's own words. This was one of those times. I could have just taken these posts down and pretended they never happened, but in the end, I feel it is of more value to show that even one who is confident he is right may need to do some research and be willing to admit error. I fell down on the first point, putting my mouth in motion before my mind was in gear. I now take care not to be guilty in the second point, so I leave the posts here--warts and all.]