You may be a lousy cook if...

I guess I have needed a lot of diversion lately, 'cause here is another one:

You may be a lousy cook if...

Your dog starts howling each time you move toward the kitchen.
Your children really believe there is such a thing as the Charcoal Lover's Pizza.
You are always the "guest of honor" at all the church potluck dinners and as such have "no need to cook".

You think of beans and franks as exotic cuisine.
You make two kinds of Jello--smooth or crunchy.
Your biscuits are heavy as lead, but they won't go down.
A food fight with your cooking causes life-threatening injuries.
If you start hearing things like, "No thanks, I ate just yesterday."
If a new meal is greeted with, "Leftovers again?"
Your guests ask you to identify which are the peas and which are the carrots.
Your children start following dinner with ipecac and epinephrine chasers.
Several neighborhood dogs have died of mysterious circumstances.
Dry heaves are just a part of your life.
You've ever bought Pepto Bismol in the handy 5 gallon size.
Your family doctor has a stomach pump with your family crest on it.
Your dinner table has ever been quarantined and you were banished from the kitchen for extended periods.

Your family invented anorexia and bulimia.
More than seven of your favorite recipes use Ramen as the main ingredient.

The Surgeon General and several FDA officials are on a first name basis with you.
The World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control have adopted your family.
If Saddam Hussein ever asked you for your recipes.
Alka-Seltzer is considered a dessert in your home.
The makers of Raid, Black Flag and Roach-Prufe have all offered to buy you out.
Tour bus occupants drive by, slow down, point and shake heads, but never stop.
That "spontaneous picket fence" around your house is made entirely of handmade crosses, donated by anonymous caring individuals.

Your meat balls, when fired at high velocities, have been demonstrated to kill vampires.

A new and unusual syndrome has been dubbed in your honor.
If Anyone eating your home-made bread has ever broken a tooth or fractured a jaw.

Portland Cement Company has identified three new molecular structures in your biscuits.

Your dinner rolls may have newfound applications in rail gun and particle accelerator technologies.

The Department of Defense has classified your cooking as Top Secret in the interest of national security.

Your kitchen has ever been lovingly referred to as Ground Zero.
If your waste-basket or garbage disposal ever threw up.
The mere thought of "eating in" causes spontaneous diahrrea and vomiting in your family members.

If you find that cooking is the quickest and most effective threat you can make.
Your pancakes are often mistaken for the plate.
Your husband asks for more pancakes just before he goes skeet shooting.
Your children are caught skipping your pancakes across the lake and several ducks are hurt.

You discover your kids stacking your homemade cupcakes and running for cover when they begin to tilt.

The baby begins crying when you ask if anyone is hungry.
The fumes from your cooked cabbage can peel paint...at a distance of three blocks.

The FDA has asked you to attach a warning label to all your concoctions.
You've inspired Hollywood producers to consider a new approach to the Lethal Weapon series of films, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are afraid to star in it.

Your Peanut Butter/Tuna Noodle Surprise brought the house down--literally.
Your kitchen has been listed as a Superfund Cleanup site.
And a huge indication to consider: If shoe repairmen use your waffles because they last longer than synthetic soles, you may indeed be a lousy cook.

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