You may be accident prone if...

Hey, when you're on a roll, go with it, I say.

You may be accident prone if...

You've ever fallen out of a pair of shoes.
Your bruises heal up and friends ask, "What happened to you?"
You have callouses on the side of your head.
You can fall upstairs.
People have tried to attach training wheels to you.
You once got a cell phone caught in your ear.
You get personally offended at slapstick comedy.
You know people around you are taking bets, but won't tell you why.
You get hurt while climbing the wheel-chair ramp.
You've ever cut yourself with a butter knife.
Standing up makes you very nervous.
Your standing up makes others very nervous.
You won't use a pencil sharpener because "mechanical things" scare you.

Others clear a room to "wait until you are finished with it."
The hospital has a welcome mat with your name on it.
The Guiness Book people have called you "because you are famous."
You are Evel Kneivel's hero.
Scientists want to study you and are willing to pay handsomely.
You have been hit by more than three meteorites...this month alone.
You have a permanent asphalt tattoo on your forehead.
Any sudden movements, like waving, makes others cringe.
You think using a file cabinet should be "left to the experts".
If mail addressed to your house is prefaced with, "Keep out of reach of..." and bears your name.

Your closest friends have had a special walker made for you, "just like the ones toddlers use, only bigger."

You're thinking of volunteering for a cloning project.
You've ever crossed your fingers because it was less noticable that way.
You have a "permanent wave" in your skull.
Inanimate objects seek to move out of your way.
The words "I'm going to..." meet with peals of laughter.
If everything in your house is decorated in early Nerf.
Your "train of thought" has ever resulted in a wreck.
You cut your finger on a string while practicing "air guitar".
Dinner forks make you break out in hives and give you hiccups.
You've ever had a tea cup removed from your esophagus.
A new wing at the hospital may soon bear your name, though you don't recall contributing anything.

You are the poster child for any medical organization.
Paramedics thank you for making their early retirements possible.
You get Christmas cards from Johnson & Johnson.
You refer to common sewing repairs as sutures.
You've been made an honorary lab rat.
You change a tire and can't pull your hand free without removing lug nuts.
You've been named the Ninth Wonder of the World.
You've ever pursed your lips and couldn't un-purse them.
You were told to "zip your lip" and got it caught in the zipper.
The mere act of waking up causes nosebleeds.
You discover you have several new wounds upon waking up.

And last, but not least, a definite sign: If you've ever gotten hurt while changing your mind, you may indeed be accident prone.

If you enjoyed the humor, please show your appreciation by visiting my website for info on what is as close to a natural health miracle as I have ever seen. http://www.mymangosteen.com/steveno

You may be a lousy cook if...

I guess I have needed a lot of diversion lately, 'cause here is another one:

You may be a lousy cook if...

Your dog starts howling each time you move toward the kitchen.
Your children really believe there is such a thing as the Charcoal Lover's Pizza.
You are always the "guest of honor" at all the church potluck dinners and as such have "no need to cook".

You think of beans and franks as exotic cuisine.
You make two kinds of Jello--smooth or crunchy.
Your biscuits are heavy as lead, but they won't go down.
A food fight with your cooking causes life-threatening injuries.
If you start hearing things like, "No thanks, I ate just yesterday."
If a new meal is greeted with, "Leftovers again?"
Your guests ask you to identify which are the peas and which are the carrots.
Your children start following dinner with ipecac and epinephrine chasers.
Several neighborhood dogs have died of mysterious circumstances.
Dry heaves are just a part of your life.
You've ever bought Pepto Bismol in the handy 5 gallon size.
Your family doctor has a stomach pump with your family crest on it.
Your dinner table has ever been quarantined and you were banished from the kitchen for extended periods.

Your family invented anorexia and bulimia.
More than seven of your favorite recipes use Ramen as the main ingredient.

The Surgeon General and several FDA officials are on a first name basis with you.
The World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control have adopted your family.
If Saddam Hussein ever asked you for your recipes.
Alka-Seltzer is considered a dessert in your home.
The makers of Raid, Black Flag and Roach-Prufe have all offered to buy you out.
Tour bus occupants drive by, slow down, point and shake heads, but never stop.
That "spontaneous picket fence" around your house is made entirely of handmade crosses, donated by anonymous caring individuals.

Your meat balls, when fired at high velocities, have been demonstrated to kill vampires.

A new and unusual syndrome has been dubbed in your honor.
If Anyone eating your home-made bread has ever broken a tooth or fractured a jaw.

Portland Cement Company has identified three new molecular structures in your biscuits.

Your dinner rolls may have newfound applications in rail gun and particle accelerator technologies.

The Department of Defense has classified your cooking as Top Secret in the interest of national security.

Your kitchen has ever been lovingly referred to as Ground Zero.
If your waste-basket or garbage disposal ever threw up.
The mere thought of "eating in" causes spontaneous diahrrea and vomiting in your family members.

If you find that cooking is the quickest and most effective threat you can make.
Your pancakes are often mistaken for the plate.
Your husband asks for more pancakes just before he goes skeet shooting.
Your children are caught skipping your pancakes across the lake and several ducks are hurt.

You discover your kids stacking your homemade cupcakes and running for cover when they begin to tilt.

The baby begins crying when you ask if anyone is hungry.
The fumes from your cooked cabbage can peel paint...at a distance of three blocks.

The FDA has asked you to attach a warning label to all your concoctions.
You've inspired Hollywood producers to consider a new approach to the Lethal Weapon series of films, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are afraid to star in it.

Your Peanut Butter/Tuna Noodle Surprise brought the house down--literally.
Your kitchen has been listed as a Superfund Cleanup site.
And a huge indication to consider: If shoe repairmen use your waffles because they last longer than synthetic soles, you may indeed be a lousy cook.

If you enjoyed the humor, please show your appreciation by visiting my website for info on what is as close to a natural health miracle as I have ever seen. http://www.mymangosteen.com/steveno

You may be a heavy drinker if...

Every now and then, when the stress gets to be a bit stifling, I like a diversion. I included my kids in this one and we came up with a line patterned after the Jeff Foxworthy "Redneck" jokes. Why we chose the topic of heavy drinkers is anyones guess. Maybe next time it will be Liberal jokes--you never know. At any rate, I hope you enjoy them. I post them here because there are many types of writing and because we just had a great time doing it. If they seem out of place, read them a few more times until you start to acclimatize (or build a tolerance). One of us will be glad you did ;-)

You may be a heavy drinker if...

· You've ever awakened in the morning with "carpet face".
· You don't recall your shoes being that color a moment ago.
· Everywhere you go is uphill.
· Close friends wear raincoats on sunny days.
· You spend more than one minute digging for your car keys
before you realize boxer shorts have no pocket.
· You don't recall the door being there when you came in.
· It has taken you more than 1 minute to find the door.
· You've ever put your shoes on backward and it felt right.
· Even the dog hides your car keys.
· You're glad you drove because you were in no shape to have walked.
· Your head is in the toilet more than your backside.
· You ever tried to bum a dollar from a cop or a parking meter.
· Just hearing the word "medicinal" makes you thirsty.
· You ever answered a hiccup with, "I'll drink to that".
· You've ever gone after more beer on your riding lawn mower.
· You've ever tried to climb over a sidewalk.
· If your idea of a balanced diet is a beer in each hand.
· If you dress like the Michelin Man for safety reasons.
· You conclude that you must have had a good time, because you can't
remember a thing.
· If you ever had more than one beer cap removed from a single body part.
· If gravitational anomalies seem to focus around you in particular.
· If someone burps and you holler, "Another round!"
· If you've ever screamed, "Stop! Let me off!" while in a prone position.
You consider a day without alcohol to be "fasting".
· You think of alcoholic drinks as 'staples'.
· If you stargaze a lot during daylight hours.
· You've ever tried to answer the phone and don't have one.
· If you can name more local bars than Presidents.
· If you don't like water because fish swim in it.
· You've ever tried to put a drink coaster in your CD player.
· You and your drinking buddies think you may have decoded the
TV test pattern.
· If you have ever had a "good conversation' with your dog.
· If you have ever wondered why you can't get the fishing
channel on the microwave.
· If you ever hit the bottom stair and just kept going.
· If the only thing on your Christmas list is beer.
· You think Smith and Wesson is a new distillery.
· If using the doggie door is easier than finding your keys.
· If, when pulled over by a cop, you've ever said, "Oooh, look at
the pretty lights...."
· You've ever ordered another drink while wondering if you have
a drinking problem.
· And the biggest indicator of all--if you've ever set your hand
on fire while blowing out a match, you may indeed be a heavy drinker.

If you enjoyed the humor, please show your appreciation by visiting my website for info on what is as close to a natural health miracle as I have ever seen. http://www.mymangosteen.com/steveno