You may be a heavy drinker if...

Every now and then, when the stress gets to be a bit stifling, I like a diversion. I included my kids in this one and we came up with a line patterned after the Jeff Foxworthy "Redneck" jokes. Why we chose the topic of heavy drinkers is anyones guess. Maybe next time it will be Liberal jokes--you never know. At any rate, I hope you enjoy them. I post them here because there are many types of writing and because we just had a great time doing it. If they seem out of place, read them a few more times until you start to acclimatize (or build a tolerance). One of us will be glad you did ;-)

You may be a heavy drinker if...

· You've ever awakened in the morning with "carpet face".
· You don't recall your shoes being that color a moment ago.
· Everywhere you go is uphill.
· Close friends wear raincoats on sunny days.
· You spend more than one minute digging for your car keys
before you realize boxer shorts have no pocket.
· You don't recall the door being there when you came in.
· It has taken you more than 1 minute to find the door.
· You've ever put your shoes on backward and it felt right.
· Even the dog hides your car keys.
· You're glad you drove because you were in no shape to have walked.
· Your head is in the toilet more than your backside.
· You ever tried to bum a dollar from a cop or a parking meter.
· Just hearing the word "medicinal" makes you thirsty.
· You ever answered a hiccup with, "I'll drink to that".
· You've ever gone after more beer on your riding lawn mower.
· You've ever tried to climb over a sidewalk.
· If your idea of a balanced diet is a beer in each hand.
· If you dress like the Michelin Man for safety reasons.
· You conclude that you must have had a good time, because you can't
remember a thing.
· If you ever had more than one beer cap removed from a single body part.
· If gravitational anomalies seem to focus around you in particular.
· If someone burps and you holler, "Another round!"
· If you've ever screamed, "Stop! Let me off!" while in a prone position.
You consider a day without alcohol to be "fasting".
· You think of alcoholic drinks as 'staples'.
· If you stargaze a lot during daylight hours.
· You've ever tried to answer the phone and don't have one.
· If you can name more local bars than Presidents.
· If you don't like water because fish swim in it.
· You've ever tried to put a drink coaster in your CD player.
· You and your drinking buddies think you may have decoded the
TV test pattern.
· If you have ever had a "good conversation' with your dog.
· If you have ever wondered why you can't get the fishing
channel on the microwave.
· If you ever hit the bottom stair and just kept going.
· If the only thing on your Christmas list is beer.
· You think Smith and Wesson is a new distillery.
· If using the doggie door is easier than finding your keys.
· If, when pulled over by a cop, you've ever said, "Oooh, look at
the pretty lights...."
· You've ever ordered another drink while wondering if you have
a drinking problem.
· And the biggest indicator of all--if you've ever set your hand
on fire while blowing out a match, you may indeed be a heavy drinker.

If you enjoyed the humor, please show your appreciation by visiting my website for info on what is as close to a natural health miracle as I have ever seen. http://www.mymangosteen.com/steveno